The thing about happiness is that it is entirely and most often possible for you to be happy in your life, and be simultaneously swimming in an equally proportionate ammouont of anxious, grievous, unnerved selves. I keep thinking that happiness should just mean happiness, by which I mean that to feel you are happy, or content on the whole, should also imply that in that state you should be without emotions attributed to negative states. But that just isn't true. And it's different than saying that you're happy and lieing. I can't figure it out exactly.
The thing about happiness is that it is hard to accept. I have a difficult time allowing myself to express that emotion when it is purely selfish. If I am with someone, and I am happy to be with that person, I am unable to share that feeling with others because it is automatically realted to a sensation of guilt I feel over talking about it. It is hard for me to allow myself to actually feel it with others, especially over prolonged periods of time, because I think, deep down, I don't actually believe that it is fair for me to have that kind of happiness. That, also, ultimately triggers sensations of guilt and selfishness. Clearly, that is a problem. I don't feel that way about the people in my life whom I love in a platonic sense, but only the ones I take interest in romantically. I have no idea why that is. Cna't figure it out. And clearly, if that is something that is going on, I project it into a relationship, making the relationship difficult, and proving why I am not very good at having them. Also, thereby creating a problem that cannot be addressed because I have no idea why it happens. Most of the time I don't even realize that it is happening at all. And eventually it might just be most appropriate for me to be the single middle aged one of us all, who teaches everyone else's kids dirty jokes. And I'm not even saying that could be the worst thing to happen. I just think, probelms without change leave little options for the future.
The thing about happiness is that I am. I am happiness? Sure. Why the fuck not. I mean, I'm enough of everything else, why not be happiness too. No. I have no idea what I'm saying.
The thing about happiness is, I finally have the time to think about it.
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