Dear Soldier, Soldier On

Soldier On.

If you were to look at me you would probably see a person with small legs and a jiggly belly.  you would probably see a human cartoon, who’s smile swallows their whole face and who’s gestures are larger than life when explaining something.  You probably would not look at me and see a person who is full of serious-fucking-business.  You would not see a person who marches when they walk, like they are coming from a slow motion montage in an action movie.  I’ve been told I literally bounce when I walk. You would not see me squinting and imagine that I am thinking razor-sharp-tough-ass thoughts.  You might think “that girl has really tiny eyes”.  I am not, by all measures, someone you would consider to be tough.  Goofy.  Plucky.  Quirky.  Those are all labels I’ve been given.  Not tough.  Not serious-fucking-business.  That’s for sure.  

But the problem is that sometimes I feel so serious.  I feel like the hard ass rap songs I’m listening to are personifications of me.  I see myself and I see a soldier, I don’t see a dweeb in a Looney Tunes sweatshirt.  What I am is an unfit white female from somewhere in the middle class, but what I feel like is a tough ass bitch in boots and black leather who is on a fucking mission. I am getting real all over this world and the world moves to get out of my way.  I am a soldier.  Yes.  I said it.  Sometimes I am a soldier.  

When I’m a soldier I am in battle. Sometimes that battle is against myself.  Sometimes it’s against other people.  Sometimes it’s against events, ideas, obstacles.  Sometimes I watch that goddamned Sarah-McLaughlan-Saving-The-Animals commercial and the battle is against the abuse of puppies and kitties.  Sometimes I want to write a song and the battle is with the words I haven’t even thought of yet.  Are you with me?  Is this making sense?  Looney Tunes sweater.  Sarah McLaughlan.  Try and keep up.  

The point is that being a soldier is something you can experience even if you’re not serious-fucking-business to the core.  Sometimes you have to be a soldier.  Sometimes the world comes at you and sometimes you have to come back at it.  It’s a really powerful state of being because it forces you to build up your emotional arsenal, ground yourself in what you believe is right, and do something about it.  Being a soldier is being in a state of motion.  It is acting and reacting (and slow-motion marching).  It’s making a very productive use of your time.  We all do it.  Jay-Z made millions doing it.  

Today we went to get the keys to our new house and discovered a 4 foot trench had been dug along an entire side of our house.  Wires, roots, dirt, shovels everywhere.  A fucking mess.  A giant, unexplainable mess.  Will it be fixed?  Sure.  Will it eventually be no big deal?  Absolutely.  The point is that the world was already testing me today (a one-star day as my astrology friends would put it) and now it just pushed a little too hard.  This day was explosively stupid and rough.  Time to get serious now.  Time to turn on my rap tunes and get to work on this life. 

If you see me in the street and I’m bobbing down the block, trust that I’m marching.   If you see my tiny eyes darting all over, trust that I’m tough-squinting.  Trust.  

Time to get serious-fucking-business.  Time to soldier on.  

  

Dear 2011: the 11 Biggest Events of my 2011

So the old year is already over.  And top whatever lists are so last year.  (womp womp.  Get it, guys?!  See what I did there?) Well I was planning to do this several days ago but, big surprise, I didn't get to it. It's the third day of the new year.  Nothing wrong with a little reflection.

I kept saying all year how eventful and crazy the year was.  Kept referencing all the "stuff" and "things" that were going on.  If you didn't know but you care, or if you have known and care, or if you didn't know but think you might care, here's a nice little encapsulation of what was most important about the past year in my life.
In no order of importance (because let's be real, everything is the most important in its own way):

11. The Death of Charles Keith Vietenhans AKA Carl AKA Papa

Boo and Papa taking a nap

I've written a lot about my grandfather's passing.  Here, here, and here for example.  If you've been around me, you've probably heard a lot about it as well.  Papa was one of the most important men in my life.  As a biological female who strongly identifies with men, my grandfather was a major influence and source of inspiration in my life.  Through saying goodbye and living past his death I have learned so much more about how I loved him and what we meant to each other.  I am not thankful that he passed, but what I am grateful for is what he has taught me, the gifts he has given to me (all of which live in me, with me, and beside me each day), and the chance to love and be loved this deeply.  Today, I live for myself, but wanting to live as the person he loved motivates me to be better to myself and others.

10. The birth of Desmond Wolfie Kim

The video that made me weep over Desmond for the first time

Stay tuned for how much I have to say about this.  It cannot fit in the space of this blog post.  In August, as my grandfather was reaching the end of his life, one of my very best friends gave birth to her first child, Desmond Wolfie.  She and her husband were living in Korea at the time so I was connected to the event via facebook, their blog, and good vibes.  Julie and I have been close since we were 15.  We have lived together many times, went to college side by side, and I sort of imagined if we had babies we'd do that together, too.  I could never have imagined it would happen this way, and that this way would be perfect. Several weeks after Desmond's birth, they moved back to Seattle.  I am so happy they are close by, and feel so lucky to be a part of this young person's life.  Every time I look at him I feel emotional: excited, happy, touched, curious.  I love him more than I knew I could love a baby.  He is a gift to the entire world.

9. The Wedding of Curran Mor and Jordan Lock

The beautiful bride and her maids

Two of my very dear friends got hitched at the end of July, in their perfect ceremony on Orcas Island.  It was a weekend long labor of love full of a lot of celebrating.  Curran is such a beautiful person, I was overjoyed to be a bridesmaid at her side, and to be able to support them both in their union.  It was a gorgeous ceremony, on a gorgeous day and certainly any opportunity to share love with those you have it for is truly a special thing.  Curran and Jordan taught me a lot through their union, especially about how none of the details are half as important as just being together.  I was in complete awe of how relaxed they were the entire time and how much it freed them to just enjoy being married.

8. The Wedding of Tessa and Jeremy Johnson

Photos by the amazing Garret Grove

Tessa and Jeremy have been two of my closest friends since we were in high school, so I was thrilled to see them get married in July.  They came to me earlier in the year and asked if I would officiate their ceremony.  I can't even tell you how this felt.  Well, let me try.  It has been one of the biggest responsibilities and honors of my entire life.  It is one of the things I am most proud to say I have done.  To be able to help two people I love so much, in such an important way was just the greatest gift.  The wedding was all about them, but they gave something to me too by asking me to take part in their union.  The wedding, for the record, was amazing.  They looked truly beautiful, everyone had so much fun, and we all cried.  If I could marry Tessa and Jeremy every day, I would.

7.  I Took My Career to the Next Level

Photo by the talented Elizabeth Rudge

Maybe you know.  Maybe you don't.  I'm an actor.  I don't say that a lot because it feels silly.  I don't talk about the work I do very often because I'm afraid of sounding like a braggart.  As the Giraffe points out, how is anyone supposed to know what's going on in my life unless I tell them.  Good point. This year I did a lot of necessary work like booking jobs with my agent in Portland (finally), taking some baller new head shots (finally), and finishing some old projects.  Some important things I did this year include: recording my first video game, finishing the project as the voice for the Sound Lab at the EMP, and "starring" in a Ford Commercial (keep your tv's tuned).  I bought a new microphone for my recording booth.  I bought a new computer.  I realized that if I want to do voices for cartoons I am more than capable of doing so.  I just have to keep working.  And if I want anything in my career, I need only keep working.  Being an actor means living with a constant uncertainty of what is going to happen next with your career.  This year I learned that I don't need to be afraid of that.  I just need to know who I am, what I can bring, and rep it hard.  Fame is an occasional bi-product of success, not a measure of it.  We are definitely on our way.

6. I Stopped Being Fearful of Getting Older

My 28th Birthday at Chuckie Cheese

Forgot to mention that I got to see New Kids on the Block as a birthday present from my mom & Boo.  From the 4th row.  One of the best days of my whole life.

Ever since I turned maybe 19, I have been terrified of getting older.  Each birthday felt like an omen, with a shitty voice whispering to me "one step closer to death, now" and "you're too old".  It sounds crazy, I know, since I'm not even that old yet.  But it's how I felt.  I have felt like 1--I am already too late for my life and 2--being an adult is going to happen any second and I have no idea how to prepare for it.  I always thought there was some sort of secret to being a grown up and that until I knew what it was I was incapable of doing it right.  This year I learned the secret: it's already happening.  I am already being an adult.  And there is no road map for it.  No secret to doing it "right".  Being an adult is going on for me weather I am ready for it or not.  AND, not only that, but the older I get the more I know and the more confidence I gain and any modicum of success I am able to achieve is only really going to happen as I mature and become more sure of myself.  It started to happen without my knowing it, and then one day, shortly before my 28th birthday, I looked around and realized "I'm not afraid anymore".  Getting older is now a celebration of past achievements and of future possibilities.  Certainly if I know anything by now it is that the end of your life doesn't necessarily come when you have accomplished everything you want to and you're ready to go.  It can happen any time.  So it's best to make valuable use of the time you have and be grateful for the chance to become an adult and eventual old codger.

5. I Quit Drinking

Life is a journey, man

So maybe you know.  And maybe you don't know.  I quit drinking in April.  Drinking had become a habitual part of my life, certainly wrapped up in clinging to the fleeting moments of youth, fearing a future I had too meticulously planned out, and being swallowed by anxieties I was incapable of facing alone.  I was presented with an opportunity to start a time of radical self-healing, and the only way to do that was as a clear headed, present person.  Will I ever drink again? I can't say that.  I really can't say.  What I can tell you is that the last 9 months have been the hardest and most rewarding of my entire life.  And the work, the repair, and the discovery I am doing could not take place if I was drinking.  I just don't believe I could make these strides with myself if I was hungover all the time.  Also, as a result of not drinking, I was able to loose the extra weight I had been carrying around for the last couple of years (shout it from the mountain tops),  I am learning to manage my anxieties (I didn't think I was a very anxious person, but guess what, I am), and I have been making everyday a productive day.  Sometimes you need to build a better relationship with something, and the only way to do that is to push the reset button; cut the roadblocks out completely.  If alcohol and I are never friends again, or if we are just casual acquaintances I know that I am leading a full and happy life, and that's what really matters.  The fucking party is over.  And the truth is, I'm glad about it.

4.  We Bought a House!

Closing on our house!

The Giraffe and I started tossing around the idea of buying a home over a year ago.  In October we got serious about the hunt, and in November we found our little dream house and moved on it.  With the help of family, the guidance of our real estate agent (AKA house dad), and the support of our friends we made it happen.  We just signed the final paperwork this afternoon.  Some facts: it's in South Seward Park (look it up), three blocks from the lake, has plenty of space, a brand new roof, a carriage-style garage, and is a 1947 Cape Cod style bungalow.  Our new neighborhood is so diverse and full of community.  We are excited about the responsibility.  I am ready for space to build a studio for my career.  We are so eager to live a beautiful life together, with nice things and furniture that goes together and broken things we can fix if we want to and walls we can paint and rooms that can welcome friends and family.  Hey, America.  You can finally come hang out with us at our house.  This event has seriously bogarted most of my physical and emotional time for several months, so really it's like two or three things on this list.

3. I Started a Time of "Radical-Self Healing"

Right?  I mean, right?

See also: processing the past, forgiving myself, letting go, getting honest, learning self-love, expressing gratitude, owning up to feelings (all the feelings!), and a general sense of understanding.  There is NO WAY I can talk about this without sounding like a woo-woo asshole, so whatever.  I'm not doing any culty-bullshit, or reading self-help books, or creating mantras or any of that shit.  It's really pretty simple.  I was living with a lot of trauma and anxiety and fears, and it was toxic but I did not believe it could get better.  I wanted to make things better and learn to live as a healthier person, but I did not know how.  I also thought, for example, that if I set boundaries to honor and protect myself emotionally I would loose relationships with the people I love.  Obviously the opposite is true.  I did start going to therapy.  I did start talking to other people about how I feel.  I did start living with my feelings, beside them, all fucking over them, and learning what it feels like to come out the other side.  I really started to build a relationship with myself.  And I discovered that I like this person.  And that it's actually ok to like yourself.  I started addressing my own needs and learning about how good that feels.  I started extending myself to others in a way that did not compromise my own needs.  I started finally believing I deserve the happiness and success I have always wanted to believe I deserve.  Have a little laugh about it if you must.  It's kind of funny.  Claiming "radical-self healing" as an event in your life is, actually, a little funny.  But it's also true.  It's a lot of work.  For me, it is a lot of work. My life is happening and I am living inside of it and that is infinitely rewarding but it did not start happening because one day I woke up and decided to be a really balanced, healthy person.  It took work.  It takes work.  I know now how worth it that work can be.

2. I Worked Like a Motherfucker Until I Didn't Anymore

Hard at work...sort of

For a lot of this year I worked and worked and worked.  Saying "no" is something I have been able to start practicing but only started in my work life at the end of the summer.  The first half of the year I was teaching children and bartending and making coffee and managing a little at the restaurant at the same time.  I was also house sitting and auditioning and recording and shooting and helping friends get married.  I had a four month stretch where I did not have a single day off.  Slowly as I started to get burnt out I also started to let go of the pressure I put on myself to be the best-employee-of-all-time (which was never possible anyway let's face it).  I started trying to express a need for free time and set boundaries and I discovered the world responded positively.  Today, I just bartend.  Which I love.  I have weekends off, for the first time in five years.  Which I love.  I have my days free to audition and do jobs.  Which I love.  I said "I need time to myself" and everyone said sure.  Which I love.  And I don't feel stressed that it's not good enough.  Which I love.

1. The Great Purge of 2011

Just a taste of some of the action

In 2011 I got rid of over 11 garbage bags of clothing.  I hauled over four truckloads of belongings to the Goodwill.  And you know what? I'm not done.  I'm a pack rat verging on hoarder-status.  I place emotional importance on material things.  I hate seeing things wasted so I take them in.  Moving was not the impetus for getting rid of things, but it has proved to be a helpful tool in continuing to examine what I really love, what I really need, and what I can really--at the end of the day--do without.  How am I gonna throw dance parties and have hip-hop recording sessions in my house if it's covered in shit? I'm not!  The Giraffe has been so patient (bless you, sir) about my journey into a minimalistic lifestyle. I made a pretty decent start in 2011, but I'm not done yet.  Still got a lot of shit to send back into the world.  Because after all, like Nas, all I need is one mic...and Walter, and a Barcelona chair, and about 50 pairs of shoes.

2011: high highs and worth-it lows.  I feel more love for the people in my life than ever before.  And I feel more love from them than I ever knew was possible.  Together we are about to make 2012 the greatest year of all time.  The greatest year yet.  The greatest.