Because I'm leaving.
Dear Friends, Lovers, Associates, Drunk Acquaintances, Distant Favorites, People I Haven't Called (and who don't read this), Past Teachers, Dogs Like Benjamin,,,,,
I'm leaving New York. It has taken a lot of things to come to the point of writing it down. You know, those things you do when you're in your twenties that feel very "heavy" and "important". Whatever it takes to come to that kind of decision is what I did. OK. What I actually did: Went home for the winter holidays thinking that it would be a time of great rejuvenation, re-focusing, and re-grouping. But we don't actually get to choose what those things entail. The long and short of it (since it's not such an epic story unless you were one of the four people around for it) is that a question was posed.
How important is happiness?
If we are lucky enough to be alive so long, then we eventually come to the point where we are lucky enough to have control--completely--over our choices. So is it better to, A., exist unhappily while working towards the idea of ultimate happiness that may or may not happen? Or B., be happy in the moment, while taking smaller, less dramatic steps towards the "eventual ultimate happiness"?
I decided the latter. Because wasting your time is not good for anything and never will be. Happiness is an amazing thing. If you can see it, feel it, then it is your responsibility to take it. And all those rules you set when you were fourteen? Well they're not so relevant when you're living your life out ten years later. And turns out, you may never be able to follow those self-imposed rules if you're not happy.
So I'm leaving New York. Not for good. I'm keeping some belongings, my lease on my apartment, important things here. I know this is where I will wind up, but I know it's not where I need to be right now. I am not myself here, and God, if not being yourself someplace isn't the biggest waste of time I don't know what is.
It's scary to make your own decisions, without the fall back of another thing to blame for it. It's scary and powerful and awesome to know that you can enjoy your life every day without waiting for some kind of release. That you can make your own release. So I'm leaving. And I'm driving across the country. And I don't know when I'm coming back. Because deciding when I come back is counter productive to what I need to do.
Me, a boy, and a dog in a car with my stuff. A week and a half. Don't really know how that's going to feel, since I haven't made such an entirely self-sufficient choice since choosing where to go to college (which was one of the best, if not THE best choice(s) I ever made). It's strange to make decisions without a fall back for blame. And even though it's new it is still ok.
I mean, I'm the kind of wiener who always cried on the last day of school, despite when she was coming back. Always bawled on the last day of summer camp. The kind of person who, despite moving every two years, still feels devistated about goodbyes. I'm just a big wiener. So when I worked my last night at a job I kind of didn't care for,,,I cried a lot. But it's ok. Acknowledging the great things around you happens most importantly when it's coming to an end.
So thank you, The Cave. Thank you to all the Beautiful friends I have there.
Thank you, Studio. You may be full of ungreatness, but you yourself are not at all ungreat. Thank you things that showed me I am unhappy and gave me the tools to change it. If Mary-Kate can walk a whole day in her five inch heels, I can take charge of my situational circumstances. Thanks, MK.
Next Wednesday the boy comes and we get the car. We put the dog in it, and the piles of clothes, and we drive. And when we stop driving we will be on the other coast. The coast that makes me feel happier just by stepping onto it. And it might be a baby time or a giant time before I come back again, but for the time being, I am choosing happiness over great possibility. And that feels like one of the smartest decisions I've ever made.
And maybe the dog will die. Maybe the boy will want to leave. Maybe my mother will become tired and all my friends will get married. Maybe the work will fade. But then at least I can come back and know I am not at all worse for the wear. I also don't think that will happen. Since, when you open yourself up to the things you truly want, in the end you never lose.
Once again, speaking like a hippi. But finally taking responsibility for what's important. Ad, at 18, said "self-preservation is a full time occupation". It rhymes, but here's to seeing weather it's true or not...I've already loved everything and feared the future much more since knowing I'm going....
February 20. Enter Terrible Cheesy Song Quote Here.
Goodnight, America. All five of you.
Xoxoxo
Mama
