Why are these boobs so complicated?

If you didn't know this already, here's the deal.

Big boobs are painful.

And apparently, no one in the brassiere industry has ever had big boobs. Especially not real ones. I'm looking at you "Victoria's Secret". Huuuh! What? Was that an innuendo about plastic surgery?! Gasp! What? Whaaaat? Huuuuh! She's the first person to have ever made that joke! Ever! Everrrrrrrrr! Ack!

Whatever. Anyway, big bras are hard to find. That is, if you are an identifying bio-female who doesn't want to look like a rayon banana slug when she takes off her flowy-peasant-top or XL-Pearl Jam-t-shirt. A female who wants to have a crack in her stack that isn't melting all the way to her belly button. A female who also wants her shit to stay in place when she walks down the street, and not bouncing around 180 degrees until they are bruised. Yes, bruised.

America, this bra doesn't exist.

I've only been a top heavy member of society for a couple of years, as my body blessed me with a disgusting last-minute growth spurt in my mid 20's. Yay. Thanks. So maybe I'm still waiting to get the secret catalog for sexy and practical giant titties. Maybe. More likely, the helmet sized black and tan safety gear I find around town is about all you can get, unless you want to go the other route and get some fake-lace-nipple-chaffing-hooker-reject-gear from bargain basements near your local strip mall. I want neither! I'm a fairly normal person and I want to feel like my breasts sit where all the normally-chested people's breasts sit. And I want it to look cute. But I guess I want it all!!!!!!

What I'm saying is, at last I found a tit harness that does the following:
--keeps that shit in place
--helps make proper posture possible
--does not encourage unsightly bulging or creasing
--makes me forget I'm wearing a bra

Alas, alack! What a find, America! What a fucking find! But you know what the catch is?
A. It is ugly. I look like a burn victim in recovery with this thing on.
B. It is big. To be so supportive and comfortable, it takes up most of the land mass known as my breast bone/collar bone/shoulders. Tank tops have ceased to be an option.
AND C. someHOW, this shit does the worst thing a big bra can do--it makes the boobs look small.

I was willing to live with A and B of the con category for the comfort and mobility this apparatus allows, but visible decrease in cup size?!?! Here it goes:
**I was blessed (for argument's sake) with naturally huge jugs, and you want to take that away from me?!?!
**You think it's somehow more comfortable for identifying bio-women to look like they're trying to bind their chests?! Hear. Me. If I wanted to bind my breasts I would do it, and I would do it without the help of a "ladies brassiere", thank you very much.

**Being a top heavy person, I am not just huge jug-ed. I am also large arm-ed, puffy chin-ed, thick waist-ed, and fully muffin top-ed. I kind of need the boobs to make the rest make sense. I don't want to draw attention to my rack, I just want to seem proportionate. Like a stalky apple on toothpicks. A bag of whipped potatoes on homemade candlesticks. A lumpy shape on a hairy skinny shape.

But let's at least make the lumps make sense. The thing is when you take the boobs and make them small boobs then the rest of the body looks swollen and odd. Small boobs are another thing. But compressing bigger ones into rectangular blobs is an odd stoplight between neck avenue and rib street.

So here we are, America. A search I thought had finally ended still blazes on. Big boobs can not truly have it all. Not to mention how time is not on their side. In the world of undergarments; asthetic, flattery, and comfort aren't either.

The question remains:
Why are these boobs so complicated?

to tweet or not to tweet

I need your help.
About a lot of things. (see: probably every conversation I've ever had with any of you)

But right now I have this twitter issue.
I have a lot of issues with twitter. My main issue is that it is stupid. No one is so important that the world should be updated on how tired they are at work, or how good their McNuggets taste. just put that shit on your facebook. It's like having a mini facebook. Tweeting barely even allows enough space to make jokes. And even if you did tell jokes on twitter, I would still say it's stupid. It's like a tiny blog, but the blog is about your favorite color m & m, or the consistency of your morning poops.

That being said, I got this thing going on. I'm starting to sell the stuff I make online. Not that it's good, not that everyone needs it--but I keep sewing shit onto shit and people keep being like "oh woah, mama, that shit's cute" so I was like "well, eff it then. I'ma be brave." Bam. Internet.

It seems like everyone who sells stuff they make has a twitter for it. Even when I made a facebook page, facebook keeps wanting me to link it to a twitter. Is a twitter helpful? If barely anyone cares now about what I make, would they care more if I had a twitter?

Should I make a twitter for goods and services (apparel)?
Help me, America. Help me hard.

mama