Dear,
Been working. It feels good to work again. It feels good to be doing the work I have aimed at making my life about. It feels good to not be lazy; to not be satisfied with the unhappiness of just making coffee, and just thinking about it all. It feels good to be with friends the way I want and need and haven't been able to get to for the longest of times. Internal, it feels good to be swimming through that.
It feels good to think about working my whole life if I can be doing this work. Isn't the goal to make your life's work one that you can embrace with pride and honesty, and not one that happens to you while you're trying not to stare the reality of it in the face? Ten years from now I want to look back on this and know that for those ten years, I really tried. And that "really trying" meant that I finally let go of some of the burdens of fear and just trudged forward, and just believed I was worthy of the dreams I have always had. That "really trying" meant being shitty a lot of time, but that I wanted to keep doing it, and that I wanted to learn.
That is where we're at right now. The time to cry about your lack of "just deserves" has passed now. You are a grown up. You can chase your dream down, or you can be miserable into adulthood, and push that misery onto your following generations. And I'm sitting right now, feeling like this will be easy because I want it so bad. I haven't felt the next round of stumbling blocks yet. But just being gifted the tenacity to get to this point--right here--right now--maybe that one push means you can have others. I can have others. WE can have others.
Maybe my point is that when you want your life to be about something, you should make your life about that thing. And stop waiting for it TO HAPPEN TO YOU.
Because a couple months ago I had this thought: You have all these ideas of things to create, and make happen. YOU are the only person who can do that. No one else can take the internal and actualize it besides you. If you don't, it will go to waste.
So let's not waste. Let's at least just try.
Realizing the obvious, in hard hitting ways,
MAMA
Seems, so obvious and simple, I know. But still, thinking it was like waking up. Remembering I am the only person who can have my own ideas--and that they're mine for a reason. That feels good to remember.
SO I'm working on it now. And it's amazing. I hope everyone is working on it. Carol Burnett, I'm channeling you. Let's do this life. It's the only one I can do.
