I have a lot of feelings. We know this. Having a lot of feelings makes one a Feeler, and thus, also very sensitive. Being sensitive can prove useful in many situations but can also be, as many can attest from having to endure, extremely annoying, tiresome, confusing, etc. Sometimes I even bother myself with all my feelings and how they make me sensitive. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around my feelings and so, I can only imagine being a person on the outside of them. And so for those times, I'm sorry everyone.
Recently an acquaintance who is thoughtful and big hearted, and undeniably less of a Feeler asked me in earnest "Do you think your life would be better if you had less feelings?". We laughed, because it's a hilarious question for being such a serious one, and then I had to think about it for a second. "No," I said, "I don't. Because this is how I am. This is the kind of person I have always been. And I have discovered that if I don't embrace it, that is when it becomes a negative thing.". We talked about this theory of managing one's feelings a little bit all the time and that, in doing so, you are honoring them & acknowledging them, and that they stay healthy that way. Instead of being a Feeler who oppresses and ignores their feelings, which undoubtably produces explosive, toxic, or unhealthy results. Think of a rotting leftover sitting inside Tupperware. I am what I am, you know? A potato is a potato.
So, this conversation, this question, is something that has stuck with me. I consider this when I am getting annoyed at all the feelings I'm having that I wish I wasn't. I have to remember that I am actually annoyed with the fact that I'm not processing a feeling, not the fact that I'm having one. So then I have to do the sometimes laborious work of sitting beside the feeling and figuring it out.
Which brings me to a night like tonight.
Very relaxing day: I showered, cruised the internet for some new karaoke songs (whatever, you know you've done it), had a much needed conversation with the old madre. Very lovely evening: spent time with close friends, went bowling, ate good food. Then I came home, put down my shit, and started to have a terrible feeling. I put on sweatpants and looked at Facebook. Still a terrible feeling. I cuddled various things (the Giraffe, Walter, a cigarette). Still a terrible, gross feeling.
The feeling, you may be familiar, is an impending sense of doom. Everything was awesome today, and I am sitting here with a nagging sense of impending doom. Sometimes that feeling makes me think we are about to have an earthquake, or that maybe I forgot to do something important, or I am being sent to collections, or somebody died--but none of those things are true. Sense of impending doom. Then I think "Maybe I should do something productive" (read: clean, meditate, do something for someone else, pay a bill, start a project). But I know none of that is going to help. Also, meditating for me means sitting on a floor, covered in dog hair, with my eyes closed, wondering when I am going to start feeling like I'm meditating. Then, tonight, I even thought "maybe I should...pray?".
Ok. Alright. Ok. You know what? PRAY? Something is seriously wrong here.
I am feeling a sense of impending doom for SOME reason. And it is either an attack on my feelings or an attack of my feelings. I'm not sure which. But it's an attack, and a person who doesn't pray is clearly having an issue when they consider randomly starting at an anticlimactic time like this. And as a Feeler, I certainly can't go to bed unless this is somehow resolved.
But how do you resolve an issue if you don't know what exactly it is? How do you process a feeling if you can't figure out why the fuck you're having it? No, seriously, I'm asking. I mean, as a Feeler I have gotten very skilled in the ways of discussing, embracing, and managing feelings. But the impending sense of doom is usually a stale mate for me. Tonight, I have no reason to feel this way.
UNLESS you count all the ancient issues that still need to be resolved, which usually involve other people, and cannot just be pulled out of the attic of your cruddy brain and heaped back upon the other person with a "hey, we need to resolve this old shit so I can go to sleep tonight" at 2am at random. That's a selfish, inappropriate, and harmful way to deal with the rusty junk that may create a doom-sense at any moment. If the doom-sense is stemming from old, unresolved issues, then you just have to suck that shit up and make a mental note (promise, vow, whatever the fuck) to approach it and deal with it at a respectful time, like a LADY, and move on with your night.
Ok, so, maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm thinking about a lot of vintage (sounds cuter when you use that word) events that need conversations and apologies. Could be. If I owe you one (and I probably do) then it's no doubt coming, but don't worry, it won't be tonight. I don't know about you America, but if I've hurt a person, or something has ended badly, or I tell a lie, I carry that shit around with me until it's resolved. It don't go away. So that could be what's happening here. My moral and responsible compass has been lasered in pretty tight lately, so perhaps the old shit is seeming a little more nasty and apparent. Or maybe my highly responsible lifestyle is making me feel confused because I'm not so used to being on top of my shit. Or maybe I'm afraid it won't last. Or maybe, because my responsible lifestyle has found me spending so much time by myself, I'm feeling a little over the "me" time and needing more of the "we" time. Or maybe, these days, when I do something flaky--something I would have done dozens of times a day in the past--it festers inside me because that's not the way I aim to live my life anymore.
All very good guesses. We are making a lot of progress here, America. Let's take a stab and assume that each of the aforementioned possibilities is going on. Ok. So. That would mean there are several issues on the table that need to be dealt with. It's 2:30 in the morning. Here's a prescription:
+ Consider the old issues. Pick one that is within your control to fix. Determine a hypothetical scenario where it would be appropriate to address that issue. Remember the hypothetical and put it to action when the time is right. Also, forgive yourself about it first. Everyone fucks up.
+ Accept the fact that you're maturing as a person, and that it is actually possible for you to become more responsible. Look at your life. That shit is really happening. You are really doing those responsible things. Be proud of who you are right now, and don't condemn that person because the 22 year old you didn't have their shit together this much.
+ Get over the fear that it won't last. Adults fuck up all the time. They are also still pretty responsible. Fucking up doesn't do automatic take-backs on all the responsibility you've fostered. You're just a different kind of dweeb now. You pay you're bills on time, you like to read home repair magazines and watch 48 Hours Mystery. Because, for one thing, you're an adult.
+ Stop spending all your time by yourself. Keep spending time by yourself, just do other stuff too. Remember when you used to spend all your time with other people? That shit wasn't good, either. Balance, man. You gotta find the yin and yang of social life. Man.
+ There's a difference between being flaky and doing something about it, and being flaky and using it as an opportunity to do something about allll the other times you've been flaky in your life. Forgetting to email your boss back or not meeting your friend for coffee is bad, but they don't need apologies detailing each email you never responded to or every cappuccino you let get cold. They don't care! Appologize for the one thing that just happened and move on. You've got to give This Guy (yourself) a break. Also, realize that maybe they don't care as much as you do. Because, maybe, it's not the end of the world. (Maybe, you little Feeler. Huh?)
Alright. Awesome. Great job, America. Maybe you will find this useful in the future if you're a Feeler. And maybe you can orate sections of this at a party when talking about what emotional nutjobs people like me are. Either way, thanks for sticking around.
I'm taking these feelings and going to bed.
Mama
