I come home from work tonight, at the end of a long day that comes at the end of a long week and I am so exhausted. Cary puts on my mom's vinyl copy of Crosby Stills Nash and Young's "so long" and goes into the kitchen to make dog food. The fancy lights I bought for our living room six months ago, that we finally installed six days ago, are on and they make the house feel warm. It is a golden womb. Sadie sits watching Cary cook for her with intrigue and patience. Walter is laid out majestically on our shaggy rug, practically camouflaged, and he wags his feathered tail each time I look at him. All I can think of is how much I have just done, how much more I have to do, and how badly I have to pee. Then, "our house" comes on.
"I love this song," Cary says. "I used to always listen to this song when I was a kid, and just imagine that what they were talking about was exactly what being a grown up was going to be like." Then he quietly goes back to cutting carrots.
I am standing here, in the golden light of our living room, in a house that I have bought with a man that I love, exhausted, covered in sticky sugars from work, looking at a little dog wagging his little tail at me, listening to the record play, and something washes over me.
Growing up I listened to my mother play and sing this song countless times. Hearing it makes me think of her singing it, and it feels safe. I am thinking of this song, and my mother, and my mother singing this song to me smiling, and it hits me. In this small, insignificant moment, it hits me. My mother has passed the torch to me and this song is my life now. The possibilities in this song are now open to me. The opportunity to have a home and share a life of work and joy and small moments with the people I love is now mine, and I am taking advantage of that opportunity. I am nearly 30. I am the age my mother was when she sang this song. She has handed it off to me. I am an adult now.
I have always looked at my mother as a person I will never catch up to but dream of being like. She is unparalleled to anyone else in her beauty, humor, love, zeal, authenticity, talent, and kindness. In my mind my mother is IT. She is the beginning and the end and knows secrets I will never know because she is other worldly and I am a regular human. I love my mother beyond measure.
Tonight I discovered that she was raising me to be the woman that I am, and that I am, right now, in this moment, in the golden light and music, a woman. I discovered that she has given me the secrets. With a voice like vibrating honey and a spirit full of radical joy, she raised me with this song and was preparing me for a life of happiness and success. I inherited humor and wisdom and grace (well, some grace) from her because she gave it to me. She gave everything she has to me. Because she loves me beyond measure.
And tonight I discovered that my respect for this woman is now matched by a new level of gratitude for the life I have, in such great part, to her. Under her care I unearthed my life's purpose at age 4. Under her care I found I was a (loud) feminist at age 15. Under her care I chased after my dreams and fell down over and over and over and over and did not give up. Under her care I found a partner who is so loving, thoughtful, respectful, wise, and funny he is nearly fictitious. Under her care I have been able to work on viewing life and it's successes as a long game, full of failures and unexpected changes. Under her care I have evolved.
I cannot think of a funny way of saying what I want to say. I suppose it's just not very funny. This song is playing and I know something I didn't know before and it makes me love, respect, appreciate and understand her in a new way. It makes me know her better than I did five minutes ago. And that is a gift she has given me.
To the most radiant, kind, strong, warm, beautiful woman, with the most beautiful voice and happiest eyes, thank you. Thank you for helping me to become what I am. In this small moment, I have so much to be grateful for.
Love,
Your daughter
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