A list of things you think when you find out someone you love is dieing:
+I am going to cry in this parking lot and I might not ever leave.
+People walking by probably think my boyfriend (the Giraffe) just beat me. I should stop crying long enough to smile and wave at them so they know it's ok. "Hey guys, everything's cool over here! Just casually chilling in this dirty parking lot!"
+I wonder if I will look back on this as one of those profound moments and say "I was starving and standing in a Blockbuster parking lot when I learned my grandfather is dieing".
+I'm so hungry but now I can't imagine eating. What if I never eat? What if I do eat? Is it inappropriate to eat while I am so upset? I want a Big Mac. Is it right or wrong to treat myself with shitty food product right now?
+I should start writing my speech for the service. I want to make a speech. Who in the family would I notify about calling dibbs on speech time? Oh god, I am trying to call dibbs on my beloved Papa's posthumous time and he's not even dead yet. Fuck me. Don't say anything. Maybe just start writing the speech in your head.
+I have so much acne. I never imagined I would have such rampant acne at almost 30. These are going to scar.
+What if Papa dies on my birthday? Will I ever be able to enjoy it again?
+Friday's my birthday. Did the Giraffe get me anything? I shouldn't act upset if he didn't. Even though I will be really upset.
+OK, well, we know he's dying. People always say this is good because then you get to have closure, you know, say your goodbyes. You get to, like, have those talks about how important your relationship has been and how much they, you know, impacted your life, and then they can tell you they're so proud of you and, you know, death isn't so scary, and they feel ready to go etc etc etc. And then you can have, you know, like total blissful closure. NO. That is not going to happen here. My grandfather is not that type of man. There will be no emotional purging followed by a calm sense of peace. There will be awkward bedside comments about the weather and how work is going and how still you're an actor and a writer who doesn't make any money. But you'll make it sound really good. Yeah, you'll just have to make it sound really good. Like, lie and stuff. That'll be nice for him. Give him something pleasant to think about.
+Big Mac. I want to eat that Big Mac. Eating a Big Mac and crying is one of the most pathetic things I can think of right now. Maybe I shouldn't do that.
...And then I collapsed against a lamp post in a going-out-of-buisness Blockbuster parking lot littered with junkie garbage and sobbed. My grandfather is dying.
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