Dear Soldier, Soldier On

Soldier On.

If you were to look at me you would probably see a person with small legs and a jiggly belly.  you would probably see a human cartoon, who’s smile swallows their whole face and who’s gestures are larger than life when explaining something.  You probably would not look at me and see a person who is full of serious-fucking-business.  You would not see a person who marches when they walk, like they are coming from a slow motion montage in an action movie.  I’ve been told I literally bounce when I walk. You would not see me squinting and imagine that I am thinking razor-sharp-tough-ass thoughts.  You might think “that girl has really tiny eyes”.  I am not, by all measures, someone you would consider to be tough.  Goofy.  Plucky.  Quirky.  Those are all labels I’ve been given.  Not tough.  Not serious-fucking-business.  That’s for sure.  

But the problem is that sometimes I feel so serious.  I feel like the hard ass rap songs I’m listening to are personifications of me.  I see myself and I see a soldier, I don’t see a dweeb in a Looney Tunes sweatshirt.  What I am is an unfit white female from somewhere in the middle class, but what I feel like is a tough ass bitch in boots and black leather who is on a fucking mission. I am getting real all over this world and the world moves to get out of my way.  I am a soldier.  Yes.  I said it.  Sometimes I am a soldier.  

When I’m a soldier I am in battle. Sometimes that battle is against myself.  Sometimes it’s against other people.  Sometimes it’s against events, ideas, obstacles.  Sometimes I watch that goddamned Sarah-McLaughlan-Saving-The-Animals commercial and the battle is against the abuse of puppies and kitties.  Sometimes I want to write a song and the battle is with the words I haven’t even thought of yet.  Are you with me?  Is this making sense?  Looney Tunes sweater.  Sarah McLaughlan.  Try and keep up.  

The point is that being a soldier is something you can experience even if you’re not serious-fucking-business to the core.  Sometimes you have to be a soldier.  Sometimes the world comes at you and sometimes you have to come back at it.  It’s a really powerful state of being because it forces you to build up your emotional arsenal, ground yourself in what you believe is right, and do something about it.  Being a soldier is being in a state of motion.  It is acting and reacting (and slow-motion marching).  It’s making a very productive use of your time.  We all do it.  Jay-Z made millions doing it.  

Today we went to get the keys to our new house and discovered a 4 foot trench had been dug along an entire side of our house.  Wires, roots, dirt, shovels everywhere.  A fucking mess.  A giant, unexplainable mess.  Will it be fixed?  Sure.  Will it eventually be no big deal?  Absolutely.  The point is that the world was already testing me today (a one-star day as my astrology friends would put it) and now it just pushed a little too hard.  This day was explosively stupid and rough.  Time to get serious now.  Time to turn on my rap tunes and get to work on this life. 

If you see me in the street and I’m bobbing down the block, trust that I’m marching.   If you see my tiny eyes darting all over, trust that I’m tough-squinting.  Trust.  

Time to get serious-fucking-business.  Time to soldier on.