My horoscope rocked me the way something does when it tells you exactly what you are thinking. It said things are changing. And I knew that. And I know that.
Things are changing. And a lot of those changes I can see and they are healthy and small and tangible. And some things are changing and I don't know what they are or how deep inside me they are or if they are about me at all. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a stoned moment, where I am super high and I am slumped, slack-jawed in awe of the whole mystery and beauty and tragedy of life. But I'm not stoned. I don't do that. That isn't what's happening. What's happening is that I am totally sober, standing, slouched, slack-jawed in awe of some sort of bigger mystery that I can't understand or put a name to except that it's just life and that I am simultaneously being blown away and swallowed up by LIFE. This is a weird trip.
Tonight, while wandering through my job, I surmised it thus: It's like life is a jigsaw puzzle, and we are each just a tiny piece in this giant thing. And sometimes you have to think about what kind of piece you want to be.
That is not the best simile of my career, I can say for certain, but it is truly the only way I can explain to someone what the hell is happening right now. I feel like a minuscule puzzle piece and I am thinking about what kind of piece to be. Or what kind of piece I am, and weather or not I like that. Maybe I should do a fucking puzzle right now. Maybe that would level me out.
I find myself saying a lot lately "I wish that what I wanted in life was to be a mother. Because then it would feel so much easier to reach my goals and feel happy with my success." Being a parent is something that I understand the path to get to. It's a perceptible job that takes certain requirements and produces really concrete results. The same could be said for many other jobs in the world. Police officer, teacher (why couldn't I have just wanted to be a teacher?!?!!), plumber. You go through the process of obtaining credentials and licenses for your position, then you get the position, then you spend your life working hard at being really good at it. It's a thing that has safety and predictability and a universal point where you can breathe a sigh of relief and assure yourself "yes. I do this now.". So lately I find myself longing for a career in life that has that concrete sigh of relief in it somewhere. Because lately I am really feeling how high the chances are I may never get to do that. My career comes with no universal benchmarks, points of plateau, safety zones, or tangible mile markers. My career is a sloppy, desperate, compromising, always about to change, one-million K race.
And it is tiring and terrifying. Most people in my career have "jobs" to supplement their careers FOREVER. Until they die or are too old to work. Are you kidding me? Forever? I like being a bartender and I love my job, but having a job and a career 7 days a week exhausts me. I feel like I can never take a break. Like I've never earned one. And truthfully, I haven't in a way. Until my career IS my job there is a lot of work to be done. I can't stop. And while I am very proud of my accomplishments to date I cannot say that the things I have achieved in my "career" warrent, for me, any sort of pee-break or reprieve from the work. I just haven't done very much. And I know, if we want to get really honest, that what I actually accomplish day-to-day does not at all measure up to the amount of pressure I put on myself. I haven't done very much in general, and I don't do as much as I could moment to moment. And I don't know why. That has me very confused. I feel like I am wasting my own time and giving myself ulcers for no reason. That's stupid.
Here's the thing: my entire life I have known what I wanted to do. My entire life. Since I was too young to know what a career was. I have never once in the almost 30 years I have been alive changed my mind about what I had to do with my life. And that's a lot of pressure to put on a person.
Right now I really don't know the difference between following my destiny, and being an adult idiot who is rigidly chasing the daydreams of a 3 year old. What's the difference? Is this my destiny or have I been too stubborn to allow myself to come up with new dreams? What the fuck is destiny anyway? Are you there God, it's me, the plot to a 90's coming of age Rosie O'Donell movie.
I have always wanted to do the same things in my life. Be a performer, a writer, and to help people. I always thought that meant that I wanted to be an actor and a writer and that I would help people with the power of my art. (Intermission for laughter) But what I am, right now, today, is a person who does radio commercials, writes a blog no one reads, and gives advice to drunk people sitting at my bar. My dad thinks I am a huge success but he's the only one! Shhh! No one tell him!
So, this all begs the question: what's my perception of success? Well, this is the part where things get really messy for me, because in weaving my intricate life dreams I felt that to be successful and, thereby, happy, I had to be famous. Success equaled fame, and fame meant reaching as many people as possible. Yes, reaching them with the healing power of my art. Thousands, maybe millions of people. Why? I don't know. It just always felt like the right thing. Success, fame and happiness are all pretty much the same thing and achieving them was the only way to fulfill my life's purpose. No problem. Totally doable. PSYCHE. What a boner. I really set myself up there. Even as a more adjusted adult I can look at the goal of being a popular performer/writer as a nice thing to dream for but not the "thing" to work toward and yet I can't change my mind about it. It's what I want. Plenty of people in my field build manageable relationships with their crafts that don't pit them against ultimate success on a daily basis. But not me. No. I have to find myself weeping while I stuff a bag of tea into a pot on Thursday night to realize my dreams are wearing me the fuck out. If I'm not Philip Seymour Hoffman, I'm a failure. That's a healthy way to live.
Everyday that I'm not doing something important and helpful and amazing I feel like I'm failing. And so I can never congratulate myself for being a good friend, a hard worker, or a talented person and just relax about if for a minute. I can never sit back and trust that by the end of the year maybe my commercial will lead to a bit part in a movie somewhere (barfing while laughing) because I know I'm working really hard. Or that I'll try to publish something I've written and maybe it will work. Or that therapists will ask me to come speak at their conventions because I love talking to people about their feelings SO much. It just isn't like that for me. It's hard to trust in something that is so uncertain. But if it's my destiny and I really believe that then it shouldn't be hard to keep blithely plugging away at it. And if it's not my destiny, and I don't like the kind of puzzle piece I'm being right now, then I should decide to be a different kind of puzzle piece. Wait. What are we even talking about anymore?
And that's about where I'm at. I don't even know how to think about what I'm thinking about.
I am not where I want to be in my life. That will either change if I keep working at what I have started, or I decide to do something else. But something has to change. I feel that things are changing. I just don't know what or how. I only hope one day I can look back to my 3 year old self and tell her everything turned out just fine.
2 comments:
I adore you and you are a smashing success in my book!
You are amazing and I know you will achieve your dreams
Post a Comment