Dear Avoidance

After staying awake until 6:30 in the morning and writing all day I have come to the conclusion that I have to embrace and accept the fact that for the next little while, I will, on no uncertain terms, slightly loose my mind. The future is wide open, the sky is the limit, Tom Petty is a stoner, and I am going to be tired, confused, emotional, and weird until I have a job and a place to live in January. Hence-therefore, I'm filling out this pointless survey I copied from Airin on myspace because I cannot, by any means, make more play-making at this juncture.

24 random questions and 24 random answers

1. I've come to realize: that I don't, in fact have the answers to most of the questions/problems I try and convince myself that I do, and that my need for control is actually a lot stronger than I had originally thought.

2. I am listening to: my fan. And the loud, incessant clicking of the keyboard, which is one of the last functional aspects of my computer.

3. I talk: a lot of game? No, I talk not enough about what I am really thinking and far too much about what I think other people would like to think I am thinking. Think about it.

4. I love: laying in a good bed, courage, the Sea, Neverland (the place, not this blog), car trips, kissing, all dogs, Dustin Hoffman, make believe, tacos & burritos, humans, and love (had to go there).

5. My best friend(s): are my family in which there is no divorce.

6. My first real kiss: was forced on me by Joey in the back seat of Ashley Brown's car.

7. I hate it when people: are unnecessarily rude, chew with their mouth open, don't try, throw other people's feelings around like they don't matter, say the word "like" too much.

8. Love is: Ha-Hah. Love is...One giant idiom.

9. Marriage is: not as respected as it should be.

10. Somewhere, someone is thinking: was she joking or was that serious?

11. I'll always: get emotional in embarrassing moments, and make perverted jokes that kill the conversation, and do funny dances, and have hope. Seriously? I will always have hope. And belch inappropriately. I will probably also do that.

12. I have a secret crush on: Secret? Define secret. Crush? Define crush. The only real life "crush" I have is not a secret. But oh, um, I guess maybe that guy who works at that new-ish "hip" bar on Capitol hill, that bar, you know, the one where all the apathetic 20somethings go to throw peanut shells on the ground and judge each other? What's it called--the Elkhead or the Buckanner or the Pinewood--no, no, Redwood, yeah, the guy that works at the Redwood and has the really hot girlfriend. Yeah, him.

13.(A) The last time I cried was: this morning before I fell asleep.

13.(B). because: where I want there to exist black and white options there is only a bunch of grey shit that I seem to only add to as time goes on despite my severely dedicated struggles at making things good. I was especially good at this, and alienating someone I wished not to alienate, last night.

14. My cell phone: has fallen from various high surfaces and when it vibrates it sounds like Katharine Hepburn having a seizure.

15. When I wake up in the morning: I stuff my phone under my pillow and go back to dreaming about World War III.

16. Before I go to sleep at night: I walk through the next day and wish it wasn't so lonely going to sleep.

17. Right now I am thinking about: well, now I'm just thinking about this. Before I think I was thinking about Caddyshack (and more specifically Bill Murray), and spooning, and why my leg hair grows the way it does, and why I keep having bad dreams about the end of the (my) world, and what would be the perfect sound for me to fall asleep to. And the truth is, I just don't know yet.

18. Babies are: too often made to fix things, tater tots that grow up to be dysfunctional adults, like dogs except, as previously stated, they grow up to be emotionally fucked up adults where as dogs, well, they just remain dogs.

19. I get on MySpace: and continually see the same "new event invitation" slash "new birthdays" announcement that never goes away. And I wonder if Rupert Murdoch is watching me.

20. Today I: woke up from nightmares, drank ginger ale, wrote for about a million and a half years, apologized, wrastled with Kevin for about a million and a half years, roasted a marshmallow, looked around at the people in my house and almost cried over the love I felt for them (yeah, I know, it's like constant period time), danced to songs from great contemporary artists like Matchbox 20, hung out in the Security Booth, avoided making business related choices, almost spit on my computer because everything in it is shutting down, looked for nostalgic things on eBay that I will never buy, researched tourettes, got interviewed about lying, ate copious amounts of taco related foods, wore ear muffs, rolled cigarettes, thought about my future and wanted to pee myself, thought about calling my friends, realized I have to wake up in 4 hours.

21. Tonight I will: stop doing this and think about my day tomorrow and try not to panic and cuddle my purple penguin.

22. Tomorrow I will: More of the same from today, but with a lot less avoiding things. And I will finish my play and try, try to nap.

23. I really want: help, a job, to be spooned, more faith (not in the world around me but in myself), more clothes (thought I'd throw that in there)

24. The person who most likely to repost this is: Sarah McLaughlin. Please let it be her.

Goodnight Moon.